Pondering...

Since I've been on medical leave from my job I've had time to think about how much of a toll my job has taken on me since I began 15 years ago. I don't really know where the time went, but I doubt if I can manage another 15 years of stress. Besides, when I began working as a social worker it was only supposed to be a 3 year stint. Steady income, great benefits, the illusion of job security all got in the way. No wonder my colleagues chuckled when I voiced my plans to leave in 3 years.

I'm once again pondering just what do I really want to do. The answer is: I don't really know. I only know what I don't want to do. That is empty, frustrating, and pathetic. It's unacceptable. I want to fill that negative space with a positive response. I want to know what it is that I would like to do.

I know what I've enjoyed in the past and what has given me fulfillment and purpose. However, I have changed. In addition, I feel compartmentalized and for me that's never a good thing. It takes too much work for me to live this way. I feel incomplete. Although I am in no way ready to begin working again so there is no real hurry. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I haven't worked in 7 months.

I was given a gently reminder that it is good to rest, to re-evaluate, to regroup. Working myself to an early grave or to the point of collapse is NOT an honorable quality. I'm not in that camp anymore, but I do have scars from my previous mindset and lifestyle.

I'm once again considering what do I enjoy, what brings me fulfillment so much so that I would do it free. I just don't know. Right now I would be happy to be able to read a book again. When I ask what would I do for no salary, the answer is lying on a beach in the Mediterranean and reading.

Forgive Me For I Have Sinned

I hesitated to write this because quite a few have written so eloquently about the sham that BET called a tribute to Michael Jackson. I'm writing it any way because I feel ceremonially unclean. I need to do penance, fast, or at least detox after sitting through that. I had a long, hot shower before going to bed, but somehow that didn't do it for me; it didn't remove the grime that feels left behind. I'm not trying to be humorous.

I watched the BET Awards expecting a real tribute to MJ. I was prepared to hear his songs as interpreted by other artists. After all weren't we told that the show had been revamped? Weren't we promised a show in honor of MJ. I continued watching because I just knew a tribute was going to happen. It never did.

I expected: to hear only MJ's songs, to be told about his humanitarian efforts and accomplishments, to be reminded of his triumphs even his torment, if you will. I expected to laugh and cry, to sing and dance, to stop and think. I wanted to mourn the passing of this cultural icon with the world while celebrating through his music.

What I was given: mockery, coonery, and just chaos.

I don't understand why egos weren't checked at the door; why producers didn't produce a different program that would take us all on a journey from MJ's childhood as a singer to his adulthood as an artist and humanitarian. Why the need to keep the same show in place and throw some random MJ material in there? I'm still confused and angry. I'm more saddened that MJ would be dishonored in this way. I don't want to believe it.

What angers me is that I know BET is capable of producing such a show that would have lead the world in a celebration of a musical genius, the greatest entertainer of our time. (I recall that a few years ago I stumbled upon a tribute to Stevie Wonder that was broadcast on BET. It was wonderful, beautifully done.)

What befuddles me is why did I expect anything better than what BET's history and track record? Isn't that one definition of insanity, expecting different results from the same methods?

What frustrates me even more so is that those performers and producers who said that MJ greatly influenced them only paid lip service to MJ. They did not show him any respect by being on their best behavior, by laying aside the need to promote themselves for one night. Honor and respected demanded that the music universe stop!

I have repented for my participation in this tomfoolery. I watched it. Yes, I viewed the show expecting uplift while reminding myself to not expect too much. I ask the Jackson family to forgive me. I must also forgive myself for giving away 3 hours of precious time that I can never get back. A commenter wrote on Twitter, "I wish BET had died and Michael Jackson was doing a tribute to it."

My condolences.

Michael Joseph Jackson: 1958 - 2009

I pay tribute to MJ with words from one his songs: Gone Too Soon

Like a comet
Blazing 'cross the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse
To inspire to delight
Here one day
Gone one night

Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon
Gone too soon





video credit: mjdyfan on youtube

Births and Rebirths: Happy Birthday To Me

June 23rd was my birthday. The day was just beautiful with clear, blue skies so I decided to spend time at the LA Zoo. (I like the zoo, okay. So stop questioning why - LOL.)

While The Husband and I were quietly watching, photographing, and reading about the animals, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: These animals are confined and they are out of their natural habitats. I've known this all my life of course, but on yesterday "I KNEW IT," especially after watching a male zebra trying to "mack" 1 of 3 female. He was trying to run around in this enclosed space. How is this ethical? For my viewing pleasure living creatures are imprisoned, but does this mean I'll never go back to the zoo - probably not. I feel so relaxed after my day there. That's a dilemma for me.

Anyway, my visit to the zoo has me reflecting on life: being or feeling caged in by others' expectations and by one's own. A zebra is still a zebra whether its roaming free or captured in a zoo, but its not living to its fullest in the zoo. The zebra can't possibly fulfill it highest potential even if in the wild it would be another animal's dinner. Now someone may say that the captured zebra's destiny is to be a zoo animal - maybe, I'll concede, but I'll still posit that it is not living its fullest as a zebra. Maybe it can live fully as a caged zebra.

No more metaphors for now. The take away lesson for me was to live fully in whatever condition or place that I am. It's up to me to decide what living "fully" means. I would like to share what I'm thinking in later essays. In the meantime: Happy Birthday to Me!

Photo uploaded to Flickr by Jessica N. Diamond